I was sitting in the kitchen, having a stand off with my writer’s block a couple weeks ago, and overhead my mom explaining Paint-By-Numbers to my two nieces, ages 5 and 3. She was pointing to the picture on the package.
“If you want the picture to look like this, you have to stay in the lines.”
There are good reasons why we all feel more comfortable surrounded by the lines. They provide direction, comfort and predictability. They help us feel okay, knowing where we fit in, and give us something to measure ourselves by.
In adult life, that external validation is rarely enough to make us feel satisfied at the deepest levels. I’ve often flirted, lusted even, for certainty, for control of the moving and chaotic pieces of identity and calling. I’ve longed for the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval that assured me I was on the right track of being who I needed to be, or was supposed to be.
For most of my life, I’ve known I was an artist, and for most of my life, I’ve tried to deny or avoid it, in varying degrees. The chaos of the creative life is unsettling, to say the least. I love beauty and I am never more alive then when I am creating something – an idea, a piece of art, an experience. But that creative process is so uncharted, so unbound, so wide-open, that it frankly scares the hell out of me.
So, I run. Not always, but frequently enough. I’ve often tried to quiet the artist within, and settle into a more responsible grown-up life. But, every time I have done this, it is as though something benevolent and parental exposes and sabotages my efforts to escape.
For the last five or six years, I’ve been trying to finish my bachelor’s degree. Or rather, start trying to finish. My long-range plan was to earn my masters and doctorate in clinical psychology. Having not completed my undergraduate work has been a source of personal disappointment and shame for years. It’s absurd how much I’ve let it hold me back.
My plans to go back to school were seriously derailed in the last couple of years, due to life circumstances. Lately, I’ve felt like it was time to take the bull by the horns, and do this thing once and for all. But, there was a problem.
I recently found out that the three years of undergraduate credit I have would not transfer due to accreditation issues. I would have to start at the beginning. I was inclined to pull up my bootstraps, redouble my efforts and dive right in to English 101. Just before enrolling, however, it seemed like a good idea to step back and re-evaluate before committing to an 8-10 year academic trajectory.
I allowed myself to ask, Do I really want to go back to school? And, if so, why do I want to do it? I may as well have slid back the lid of Pandora’s box. All of a sudden, that small voice deep inside seemed to have something important to say. The more I thought about not going back to school, the freer I felt. I knew I was on to something.
After further self-examination, it became apparent that my desire to obtain an academic degree was not purely motivated. I differentiate this from my desire to guide people in healing and wholeness. The degrees, unlike the calling, are primarily about my need to be validated, seen, and acknowledged. Unfortunately, those things are an inside job for the most part, which, between you and me, I kind of hate. It’s so much harder.
I think there was a time in my life when my desire to become a psychologist was an authentic choice. But, over time, as I changed, my passions evolved. Along the way, I forgot to give myself permission to allow my goals to flex with me as I grew and developed as a person.
It’s odd to say, but the older I get, the more I see the value of quitting. Sometimes, when things are too hard and there’s too much resistance, life is trying to tell you to change your course. That could mean a mild adjustment, or a 180 degree turn around. However,I have a personality that is prone to push harder when I encounter an obstacle. Sometimes, that can be beneficial. And, sometimes, it is just plain stupid.
This time, instead of barreling past the obvious messages life was trying to send me, I asked myself, who I am – not as a profession, but as a person? I believe I am a nurturer, learner, healer, visionary, inspirer, intuitive, creative, and lover of beauty and people. All of those things come naturally to me, even though they usually require hard work on my part. I was born knowing how to do them; they are not skills I have been taught. It is as though they are coded onto my DNA, not learned or aquired, but developed.
I don’t think it is necessary for me to do any of those things within the confines of a particular profession for them to be satisfying. I could express each piece in any number of different combinations and contexts. And, I’m sure I will over a lifetime. In fact, I think finding my own way will be infinitely more fulfilling than the satisfaction one profession could provide.
I feel the greatest pleasure these days when I write. (Stay tuned, it could change tomorrow!) So, for now, I want to pursue the development of my writing, and fill my life with experiences that are worth writing about. How the rest of it will work out? I have no idea. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.
What are you running from that you know you are made for?
Great post, Meg. I totally agree with you about the sometimes-wisdom of quitting. I think God will lead us into challenges that require more than we than we can naturally give. But he will not lead us into continual exhaustion or a diluted sense of self by pushing too hard against our greater discernment. Do you think there are other creative outlets you should integrate into your life, something visual?
@Bryan
You’re so right. I think “futility” is the big warning sign. When it feels like you just keep banging your head against a wall, year after year, and you’re getting nowhere, that’s a bad sign.
Funny you should ask that, because, yes I do. I used to paint and draw, but haven’t either in years. I think that is the next frontier and the other big thing I’ve been running from creatively.
Thanks for your thoughts!!
Meg
I became an engineer and by the time I realized it was wrong for me it was too late. I have a family so it’s hard to move to something else. I continue to explore the idea of changing through writing and journaling. I think I’ve gotten so far out of touch with who I am that it will take some work to rediscover myself.
All of which is to say, good for you for realizing this now, and not after spending 7 – 10 years on a path that may not be right for you! I look forward to more of your writing.
Scott
Megan-
Way to go! My wife and I share a somewhat parallel philosophy. We have dubbed it “trading in the American Dream for a chance at affecting the global reality”. In short, we have stopped doing what everyone else thinks and says we should do and instead started to first listen to what God says he has created us to do, and then secondly… wait for it… DOING IT!
It may seem so simple, but its amazing how different things become when you stop just simply listening and actually allow what you are hearing to motivate you to DO.
Be Blessed
Chad (from twitter: @chadh)
Great post, Meg! The key here is discernment of course. There were MANY obstacles along my seven year path to publication. Numerous times I wanted to hang it all up and quit because it was so hard and seemed impossible. But something inside drove me on to keep banging my head against those walls until finally one day a wall turned into a door.
So now that you know what you really want to do, don’t let the walls discourage you. Publication may take longer than you’d like but remember God’s timing is always perfect.
Megan,
I read and reread your post, and just wanted to thank you for writing for “us.” It’s so often that we receive inspiration without giving a simple “thanks.” Thanks! And know that what you wrote was right in every way. Keep it up.
Thank you so much for pouring your heart out. It is more than encouraging and challenging to read the words of someone who is mature enough to not be identified with a piece of paper and a few letters behind her name. Were I to do it over again, I would have made a similar choice.
My last year in college on my way to a teaching degree, I won a writing competition and I saw one of my pieces published. I was ready to change my major and head for an MFA in Writing. One of my best-friends wisely convinced me to finish my degree, because writers often don’t eat, while teachers can always find work.
The next 8 years passed without me writing another word. I was simply too busy. This summer has found me in Hawaii and unemployed. My pen is bleeding stories. I want to take a year off and write, but I still have bills to pay. My permission to be idle is coing to an end. Will my writing stop? I don’t know.
Seth Godin’s wrote a book called The Dip on how to be smart about quitting… great stuff that echoes your post here.
Your words are a great encouragement to me, and inspirational. For me, it goes back to discovering your purpose, and how best to fulfill that purpose. To make your life an expression of who you really are, a reflection of your deepest values.
I see nothing else worthy of striving after.